Sometimes I really suck at being a Mother.

Hi
Okay so as I posted yesterday, Today was about Keelan having a total pickup and forget about the issues of adult arguments he has faced lately when visiting his Father. Cool, had a great Day, caught up with Nana and Grandad even more special, he, like Zay wanted to go home with them, because they have it all right you see My folks married for nearly 42 years, HAVE IT RIGHT, they have a loving marriage, not too many ups and downs, pretty smooth most of the time and I really only recall 1 time they had a tiff around us and we were like teenagers. SO THEY HAVE IT RIGHT, the way to raise well adjusted Kids without ever showing faults in their Marriage as they really dont have any.

So moving on, the day was great, we made it back to school for the Girls by the skin of our teeth, Keelan has his Soccer gear total, everything on his wish list ticked off plus more. All was going good till he wore his new casual canvas shoes outside (white I might add) to take out the rubbish bins and water some pot plants for me. When he came inside I asked if his shoes got dirty and when he showed me they had which then upset me as he has work boots for dirty outside jobs, so I sounded my major displeasure about it and then went along preparing tea feeling very disgruntled about the affair and then I notice Husband is home a bit later, obviously they had a dry throat so had to purchase a roadie on the way home (he car pools so he can enjoy it being a passenger) and then other events unrolled and kept unrolling that mixed in with me being tired and hormonal just had those feelings of Mt. Wellington ready to erupt really but I just kept it inside, wanting it to remain a good day for Keelan.

Husband senses that my lack of talk about the day and the hostile air about me means I AM NOT HAPPY so continues to prod as to why which in the end off blows the top and the eruption comes, so we sit down for tea not talking and you see this doesn't bother the 3 little ones, they are resilient to this, they have not known Family breakup like Keelan so they really just don't even give another thought to the thick air but Keelan well you may as well just stab him in the heart, sensing we are not talking is too much and after I make comment to Trin to stop talking to Dad as he is not answering her, Keelan just bursts out "its all my fault that you had a fight, if I had not worn my new shoes outside and got them dirty, Mum would not have got in a bad mood and then she would not have had an argument with Dad". this he is saying fighting back the tears so that rips my heart out and I have to explain that it is not his fault and then I feel even worse, all I hoped to achieve today by taking his mind off the war zone on the weekend and I have just put him right back in that place. Then the phone rings and it's his Dad, TIMING!!! Not.

Tim broke his silence after that so did I and we got back on track as best we could but it does not make me feel any better now about it all. We have had time with him since and he has showed Tim his new Soccer gear and he seems happy again but sometimes I ask myself who are the kids in this house. Tim and I have had a big talk about things AFTER the kids went to bed and I realise we are by no means perfect and never will be but it still SUCKS big time that I put Keelan (when this house shoud be his safe place to fall) in that horrid state of feelings, I guess he would wonder why wherever he goes there is arguments and although he has told me many times Tim and I are nothing like what he experiences with his Dad it still doesnt make it right. Today was not even about trying to buy him it was just about giving him a great day to be loved and safe and important and to matter because he is often the last one I hear being the eldest and the one who asks the least. So I really have learnt my lesson and hopefully Tim too. Keelan has issues he battles with himself he doesn't need to feel like he has to own our issues.

Keelan has taught me so much since my first Marriage break up and the reason I left that marriage was because I didn't want him growing up in the environment he is in now when with his Dad. I can't protect him as much I truly want to, it is such a hard thing to do as a Mother, give that Child over to the Father for weekends and holiday visits, something I will never never not ever get used to nor ever really like doing but I just have to live with it, not that his Dad is a bad person because he isn't that is for sure, he just has major issues happening for him ATM. But no one can ever mend your sadness deep inside when you spend every second Christmas looking at your Family and your 1st Born is missing, Easter, Birthdays, Mothers Days, these will never ever be days I get back with him and I need to get every moment right that I have him, every damn single moment.
Take care
Trace. xxxxxxxxxxxxx